never let me go

從安哲羅普洛斯的電影開始不停地咳，看不進小說也看不出，隨便地看詩一本接一本，在夜黑的時候醒過來不斷地咳。

乾涸的河床露出鵝黃的石礫，枯黃的芒草隨風緩緩地搖，鐵塔和高架道路在遠的地方，而天空在更遠的地方。安靜的，了然於心的那種美，覺得有秋，覺得是黃色。

我做起黃色的夢，讀了黃色書皮的詩集，穿起黃色的襯衫，在咳個不停的十月。

一直到十月的最後我才讀進小說。我不記得電影有提到Norfolk，讀小說才能深深感動Norfolk對Kathy的存在，不管是實際來說，還是當做譬喻來說。Kathy最後來到Norfork的獨白非常感動人。

"That was the only time, as I stood there, looking at that strange rubbish, feeling the wind coming across those empty fields, that I started to imagine just a little fantasy thing, because this was Norfolk after all, and it was only a couple of weeks since I’d lost him. I was thinking about the rubbish, the flapping plastic in the branches, the shore-line of odd stuff caught along the fencing, and I half-closed my eyes and imagined this was the spot where everything I'd ever lost since my childhood had washed up, and I was now standing here in front of it, and if I waited long enough, a tiny figure would appear on the horizon across the field, and gradually get larger until I'd see it was Tommy, and he'd wave, maybe even call. The fantasy never got beyond that --I didn't let it-- and though the tears rolled down my face, I wasn't sobbing or out of control. I just waited a bit, then turned back to the car, to drive off to wherever it was I was supposed to be."

我想像到這樣的地方找失去的東西。

小說的尾段讀來感動，回憶牽引出深深的情緒，才明白前面看似過多的章節的必要，像Tommy踩在想像的水，回憶和童年長的時間過去濺起的水花splash, splash, splash。

小說的封面也是很好看的黃色，還有總算不咳了，the end of October。