having married friends

sometimes it makes me feel like a loser, having married friends.

short cuts

A little piece of this and a little piece of that, I read the Carver's over the years.

I remember the first story I read, people talking at the kitchen table. "It ought to make us feel ashamed when we talk like we know what we're talking about when we talk about love," I read the words and have practiced this toung twister for more than ten years.

Carver never tends to solve anything, and so do the characters. You watch them feel and watch them respond. You watch them live their lives. It shows the "cuts" of their lives, and of human behavior. The moment it cuts, it seems you even hear a slight cracking.

And the cracking makes it feel so real.

如果還有明天

彈吉他的男子在唱薛岳的歌。

每次在電視台聽到這歌，阿爸就會再講一次薛岳的事，講他留長髮，講他得癌症，講他在最後的演唱會唱這歌，講他死掉的時候年輕。

有個比我年輕的男子也停下來聽，他看起來像是個聽初音未來的御宅族，他走到前方。你看得出來他聽得感動，大概也好奇怎麼在人來人往的車站廣庭唱了這首可能不被知道的歌。

男子拉長了音，結束了最後一句歌詞。我趕在下一首歌之前，投了零錢。走在走廊的時候，男子唱起了下一首，是張雨生的歌。

又要滿月了

錯過了這班車就搭另一班車，被帶往某個遠方，轉車，再帶往另個遠方，陌生的城鎮，騎摩托車的男子繞了回來，問我是不是日本人，我拍了張海產店的牆，一隻路過的狗，我像走在異地的貓。

經過鎮的時候沒有人下車，經過鎮的時候有一個小的平交道，漆成黃色的牆，草綠色的大樹和葉，某種安靜的發亮。我想看看站在小的平交道前面看的樣子，我想看看在沒有人下車的鎮上走的樣子，我下次要在這裡下車。

跟遊覽車乘客反方向走就能找到樟樹群，迷你小巧的綠色隧道，前一天才剛修剪過。樹下停放爬滿鐵鏽堆滿枯葉的廢棄農用車，我忍不住拍樹，還有纏在方向盤的蜘蛛網。

一路上都在等待某種暗示某種隱喻之類的，但那不會是路過的狗、沒人等待的平交道、丟在農車上的膠鞋或是成串的山蕉吧你想。百般無聊在車站廳堂等待列車的時候風涼爽地吹，白色的蝶飛了進來，你想起去年的這天你在黑暗的隧道也看過蝶，你任憑它在眼前飛，你知道你得到了個祕密。

坐上列車把自己慢慢地帶離，把自己慢慢地帶回，經過某個風景你就知道列車即將到站。回家的路上你突然看，輕藍色的天空掛著清透的月，又要滿月了啊你心想，而我剛剛又老了一歲。拍了張月亮，你往前走去，祝自己生日快樂。

attracted to

Not until when you encounter the kind of person you're attracted to will you realize what kind of person you're attracted to.