彈珠1976

終於看完尋羊之後再看了彈珠1973，有種回頭想知道是什麼讓老鼠走到這。看完彈珠我又看了次和老鼠最後見面在漆黑的房子喝啤酒，把上了發條的鐘停了下來的完全的安靜，門開了老鼠走了出去。想著結尾河口的哭。

那句跟J 說買個唱機和彈珠台吧真是懷舊又感動。

養雞場倉庫電一開，啪啪啪啪亮起來閃著零零零零數字板的七十八臺彈珠台，還是我最喜歡的段落。

"We felt silent again. What we shared was no more than a fragment of a time ling dead. Yet memories remained., warm memories that remained with me like lights from the past. And I would carry those lights in the brief interval before death grabbed me and tossed me back into the crucible of nothingness."

來自過去的火光留存在心裡，溫暖的。

衣角

只要媽媽好像要開始某個灰暗的回憶的時候，我就要趕快切斷慢慢成形的湖，像跟在後頭的復健師拉著衣角，失去重心可是會掉進湖裡的吶。想像以後的事就好啦想那些要幹麻像個老頭地念，前面是一條長的走廊一直往前像河，捏得小小的一角，你跟著媽媽一步一步。

a strange weight

It was a strange weight. In it he could sense the fullness of a woman's existence: loving a man, bearing children, growing old and dying.

神無月

神無月
眾神出走
惡鬼橫行
魃魈魁鬾魑魅魍魎

這裡沒有神

理解

向陽說那是連理解都不要，就只是陪伴。

我也不想要被理解，我想要的也是陪伴。小孩和小孩不用以理解來理解，那是大人的把戲。

我想要是小孩。

郝南董

南董，姓郝，你好，南董好
我不知道哪些是你的難懂哪些是你朋友的難懂
那些日常以致於難懂
南董他保證你南董好

讓你的黑暗說話

讓你的黑暗說話 ◎馬尼尼為

拿一張紙寫你的家庭
擠滿了人
外面黑
讓你的黑暗說話

feather

hi there,

a crow came to the land today.

i was taking a walk along the shore, and found a feather lying on the sand. the feather shone in the sunlight. i don't know a dark thing can be so beautiful and bright. long before i noticed, there stood a crow.

the crow stared at me, without moving or making a sound. i wondered what it wanted. water, food, or maybe it didnt want anything at all. i stared back at the crow.

i felt amazed to see how beautiful the creature is. it's as dark as darkness can be, and every darkness has its own. the sun shone the crow bright and showed a slanted shadow. the shadow was inky dark on the white sand. i noticed i had a shadow as well, dark and slanted as well. i stared at the shadow. it seemed to remind me of something in a deep place.

so me and the crow, my shadow and the crow's shadow, we kept each other company in the early afternoon. i didn't know how long it passed; and suddenly, the crow seemed to notice something, making a sound, and flew away.

i decided to keep the feather.

have a good day.

sep.5, 2018

nightmare

i don't know which one is more like a nightmare, the one in my dream or the one in reality.

moon

something out there like the moon

when we sway

「當我們搖擺/ 我變弱」

活著

活 著 ◎谷川俊太郎

活著
現在活著
那就是口渴
是枝葉間射下來耀眼的陽光
是忽然想起的一支旋律
是打噴嚏
是與你手牽手

活著
現在活著
那就是超短裙
是天文館
是約翰 · 史特勞斯
是畢卡索
是阿爾卑斯山
是遇到一切美妙的事物
而且，還要
小心翼翼提防潛藏的惡

活著
現在活著
是敢哭
是敢笑
是敢怒
是自由

活著
現在活著
是剛才狗在遠處的狂吠
是現在地球的旋轉
是生命剛剛在何處誕生的啼哭
是現在士兵在某地負傷
是此時鞦韆的搖蕩
是現在時光的流逝

活著
現在活著
是鳥兒展翅
是海濤洶湧
是蝸牛爬行
是人在相愛
是你的手溫
是生命

a room just for me

"I managed to squeeze through the narrow part, and then deeper in it suddenly got lower, and down from there it was like a small room. A round room, like a ball. The ceiling's round, the walls are round, and the floor, too. And it was so, so silent there, like you could search the whole world and never find any place that silent. Like I was at the bottom of an ocean, in a hallow going even deeper. I turned off the flashlight and it was pitch dark, but I didn't feel scared or lonely. The room was a special place that only I'm allowed into. A room just for me. No one else can get thete. You can't go in either."

-- Killing Commendatore

Tap to Retry

排掉

像是為了回到某種平衡而破壞其他平衡，整個六月都在做這種傷身的事，metaphorically and literally。

想把東西排掉，排掉，想身心輕盈。

愛麗絲

爸爸買給我的是綠野仙蹤，妹妹是愛麗絲，全彩小開本，綠野仙蹤是我的第一本外國故事書。

後來我更喜歡的是愛麗絲，一直到很後來的現在我都還會看。某個讀者寫愛麗絲整本都是rubbish，可是也就是玩弄這些愚蠢話而有了迷人的charm。

"We are all mad here."

這本愛麗絲是在系學會的書展買的，某個聽完課的下午，我一個人在擺設在大樓廳堂的書攤前挑書，我挑了愛麗絲，忽然察覺有人站在面前，抬頭發現是A，後面整面落地的陽光和樹影照著，A給了我個大大的微笑，A是那時候我喜歡的人。

這本當然不賣。

靜慢的生活

去過靜慢的生活 ◎任明信

/
祂緩慢地替你開門
時間漫長
需要巨大耐心

/
但耐心是有用的
耐心會換來一方遼闊

/
生命
本質是遊戲
你要盡興
可以認真
但不能當真
願你有一天看穿

/
清醒地獨酌
不在意天份和機率

這個身體有它想做的事情
而你已經離那些很遠

/
去過靜慢的生活
像樹一樣照顧自己
擁抱塵埃
珍惜根莖
在任何地方都能夠長成

/
要習慣雨
而不是傘

當一個心地純粹的人
不被任意事物收買
讓智慧匹配你的年紀

/
只過靜慢的生活
離光很近
陰影於是顯得巨碩
願你也愛自己的陰影
如光愛你

/
你若已到達便無須再走

一年

四月五月六月

四月和五月看不進什麼小說，只讀了燒掉的倉房，念著剝橘子的事。剝開想像的橘子放進嘴裡吃，一顆接一顆，你得忘記並沒有橘子這件事就行了。這隱喻到底有什麼神祕我重覆讀。

覺得阿雜就打掃房間就擦地板，覺得乾淨的地方就再擦一次，覺得雜亂的地方就再繼續雜亂。你不要光想著有這件事，你要忘記沒有這件事。阿雜之所以成立在於忘了並沒有阿雜這件事而阿雜成立這樣嗎。

五月末了讀了夏宇聽了夏宇才又覺得肥肉覺得更加。希望慢慢變老的婦人能讓心底的少女活，希望心底的少女能讓慢慢變老的婦人活。誰是軸誰是旋轉的中心幾個月來感到無比動搖。堅定的安靜的什麼，覺得不見了覺得逼哀覺得無能為力。接著讀了個奇怪的短篇，裡頭老人說了個沒有中心的圓的事。沒有中心的圓你可能得忘記沒有中心這件事才會有圓，沒有軸的旋轉你可能得忘記沒有軸這件事才會有旋轉。我需要圓需要旋轉。

最後六月的第一天我希望阿忍好好地，好好的阿忍很多很多天。

wild and chill

小人腦袋想像的所見越來越具像，我們一起用積木拼湊出人形和狗，眼嘴手腳全擺在應該的位置。我搖搖狗尾巴，小人噗噗，小狗放屁了好好笑喔小人說。

我想到半年前小人拿阿公的便條紙，握著原子筆在紙上畫。我問小人畫了什麼，小人一派輕鬆說有大象、鴨子還有下雨啊。我點頭說好再用力看，便條紙畫得滿滿只有胡亂的線和點和線和點。

可是裡面「有大象、鴨子還有下雨啊。」

我其實懷念那既見非所見，見諸相非相，你們大人懂什麼的那種wild and chill。

to stop time

peel the tangerines

"This? It's easy. It has nothing to do with talent. What you do isn't make yourself believe that there are tangerines there. You forget that the tangerines are NOT there. That's all."

pull the string

"It made him think of a small room -- a nice, neat room that was a comfortable place to be. It had strings of many colours hanging from the ceiling, strings of different shapes and lengths, and each string, in its own way, sent a thrill of enticement through him. He wanted to pull one, and the strings wanted to be pulled by him. But he didn't know which one to pull. He felt that he might pull a string and have a magnificent spectacle open up before his eyes, but that, just as easily, everything could be ruined in an instant. And so he hesitated, and while he lingered in confusion another day would end."

-- Aeroplane

發條鳥

"I turned my palms upward in the sunlight. In an instant, they felt warm, as though the light were seeping into the skin, soaking into the very lines of my fingerprints. The light ruled over everything out here. Bathed in light, each object glowed with the brilliant color of summer. Even intangibles such as time and memory shared the goodness of the summer light."





發條鳥的好可能很裡面。

發條鳥似乎有種擁有明明類似的符號 ，而這些類似的符號比其他類似的符號有著更加跳出來的魔力。

如果井挖得不夠深，待得不夠久，是無法擁有穿牆的力量的。

整本小說就像是村上先生的沙箱吧。

miracle

as perfect as a miracle.

伊爹斯卡

跟學校樂隊switch
吉他刷扣刷下是女王的identity

我才不要當指揮伊爹斯卡
給我個愛人小孩伊爹斯卡
就在這裡扣扣疊伊爹斯卡

「其實明明只不過是沒有現在未來罷了」

玩

我們都玩那些不被允許的玩。

停車場

我想起某個童年場景，是阿嬤家後面的停車場。停放了幾輛車子，我和妹妹在停車場裡玩。我們跑，玩紅綠燈、踢罐子或是捉迷藏。

某次讀到一篇捉迷藏的詩，馬上就想到這個停車場，想到加了棚的停車場有些地方照不太到光的樣子。

但想起童年的感覺不是因為停車場。在停車場跑啊跳啊流了滿頭大汗肚子咕嚕咕嚕叫的時候，從停車場這頭可以看到窗子的那一頭，阿嬤正在廚房煮飯。

抽油煙機隆隆地響，阿嬤炒菜的香味飄啊飄進停車場，想到待會兒就有熱騰騰的飯菜可吃了，這才是童年的感覺。

sleeping fairy

心頭好說他睡上鋪
有時候晚上睡不著害怕的時候
他會想到蘇三是阿嬤就不怕了

是個有個奇怪寓意的sleeping fairy故事
可是阿嬤喜番💛

麥田

麥田 ◎顧城

你在很多人中間看我
看過
你很小
閉上眼睛的時候 很藍

我知道你在一本書裡站著
前邊有木板

怎麼也不知道
春天 看不見 只有一次
花全開了
開得到處都是

後來就很孤單