My Dinner with Clunky

People Weekly
Feb. 5, 1996

Talking with ... Tori Amos
“My Dinner with Clunky”
和多莉艾莫斯對談─「我和克朗奇的晚餐」

How offbeat is singer-songwriter Tori Amos? Well, her childhood imaginary pal Clunky, a purple monkey, is alive and well and in a song on her third full-length solo CD, BOYS FOR PELE (Atlantic).
多莉艾莫斯是怎麼樣的與眾不同呢？喔，她的童年虛構夥伴「 克朗奇」，一隻紫色的猴子，現在還活得好好的，而且還在她 第三張個人專輯「火山女神的男孩」裡的歌曲出現。

“I’ve been aware of him for years,” says Amos, 32, an American who’s single and lives in London, “I’ ve had many a dinner with him. He’s always sitting on my shoulder.”
「我已經認識他很久了。」艾莫斯說。她現在三十二歲，單身 ，是個住在倫敦的美國人。「我和他吃過多次晚餐，他總是坐 在我的肩上。」

WHERE DO YOU WRITE YOUR SONGS?
你是在什麼地方寫歌的？

I like writing in bathrooms. The acoustics can be great. You can turn on the water, sing, and nobody can hear you.
我喜歡在浴室寫歌，聲音的效果很棒，而且轉開水龍頭，就沒 有人會聽見你在唱歌。

LIKE TERI HATCHER, YOU HAVE A BIG FOLLOWING ON THE INTERNET? DO YOU READ THE MESSAGES YOUR FANS SEND TO YOU?
如同Teri Hatcher，你在網路上有一大群歌迷，那你會讀歌迷 的留言嗎？

I don’t own a computer. I have a nine-foot piano in my home to compose my messages. Why would I want a one-foot computer to do the same thing? I'm fascinated by my road crew’s fascination with computers, but I don’t have any desire to use that keyboard. I want to go back to my own.
我沒有電腦。我家裡有一台九呎高的鋼琴，用來作曲，傳達我 想說的訊息，我何必再有一台一呎高的電腦來做同樣的事呢？ 我的歌迷對電腦的著迷吸引著我，但我不會想使用鍵盤。我想 用我自己的方式。

WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT PERFORMING LIVE?
說說你對現場演出的看法？

When I play live, I walk in feeling that we could go anywhere, reach any star system. Once I'm out there it's almost like I'm in a trance. I can get very physical, too. Hopefully, when I go back on tour, it'll tone my body.
當我現場演出時，那感覺得就像是可以去任何地方，到達任何 星空；演出時，就像處在迷幻的狀態，那也可以是肉體上的改變。希望當我回去巡迴演出，那些演出 會使我更強健。

The Pink Tour Book intro

尼爾蓋曼寫給The Pink Tour Book
中文是我私人的翻譯
--
The Pink Tour book intro
written by neil gaiman


Hi, by the way

I met her first on a tape, and after that we spoke on the phone late at night, and then one evening I went to see her play piano and sing.

It was a tiny Notting Hill Brasserie, and Tori had already started when I got there. She saw me come in and smiled like the lighting of a beacon, played Tear In Your Hand to welcome me in. The room was almost empty, save for the owner, who was having his birthday meal in the middle of the room. Tori sang Happy Birthday to You, then a song she's just made up called Me And A Gun, pure, dark and alone.

Later, we went off through Notting Hill and talked like old friends do who are meeting for the very first time. On the empty subway platform she sang and danced and acted out the video she had made that day for Silent All These Years -- one moment she was a Tori in a box, spinning around, the next a small girl dancing past a piano...

That was several years ago.

I know Tori a little better now than I did that night, but the wonderment she inspired then has faded neither with time nor with familiarity.

Tori doesn't ever ring me anymore. She sends strange messages by other means and intermediaries, and I have to track her down in odd countries, negotiate my way through foreign switchboards. The last time she wanted to tell me that they served great pumpkin ice cream in the place across from the recording studio, a continent away.

She offered to save me some.

And she wanted to tell me she sings about me on Under The Pink. "What do you sing?" I asked.

"Where's Neil when you need him?" she said.

Tori is wise and witchy and wickedly innocent. What you see is what you get: A little delirium, a lot of delight. There's fairy blood inside her, and a sense of humor that shimmer and illuminates and turns the world upside down.

She sings like an angel and rocks like a red-haired banshee. She's a small miracle. She's my friend.

I don't know where I am when you need me. I hope the pumpkin ice cream doesn't melt before I find out.

-Neil Gaiman

嗨

我第一次聽到多莉是從錄音帶，之後，我們通過電話，然後有一天，我去看她 彈奏鋼琴，看她演唱。

當我抵達窄小的諾丁山餐廳時，多莉已經開始表演了。她看見我進來，然後微 笑，像燈塔的光一般，演唱了〈你手裡的眼淚〉歡迎我。餐廳裡沒有什麼人， 老闆自己包了下來，他坐在房間的中央吃著他的生日餐點。多莉唱了生日快樂 歌，還有另一首她剛做好的歌叫做〈我和槍〉，那是首純澈、黑暗、孤獨的歌。

之後，我們走遍諾丁山。我們像是老朋友般地交談，那不過是我們第一次見面。 在空無一人的地鐵站，她唱著歌，跳著舞，模仿了她在音樂錄音帶裡的樣子， 那是她那天才剛錄好的〈沈默多年〉。上一秒她是個困在箱子裡的多莉，快速 地旋轉，下一秒她是個小女孩，跳著舞經過鋼琴…

那是好幾年前的事了。

比起那天晚上，現在我更了解了多莉多一點，但她帶給我的驚奇，並沒有隨著 時間還有熟悉而消弱。

多莉不打電話給我。她用其他的方法帶給我訊息，然後我得透過異 國的總機台搞定前往的方法，在奇特的國家找到她。上一次她想告訴我，在她 錄音室的對面有家店，店有很棒的南瓜冰淇淋，而那家店遠在另一個洲。

她說她會幫我留些冰淇淋。

她告訴我她在〈紅粉心事〉裡提到我。「你唱了什麼？」我問。

「當你需要尼爾的時候，他人在哪裡？」她說。

多莉聰明、神祕、調皮天真。她就是你所看到的這個樣子：有點狂熱，卻又十 分討人喜歡。在她體內流著精靈的血液，還有發著光的、足以讓世界為之顛倒 的幽默。

她唱起歌來像天使，又像個紅髮妖精搖撼眾人。她是個小小的奇跡，她是我的 朋友。

我不知道當你需要我時我會在哪。我希望在我找到之前，那南瓜冰淇淋還沒融 化。

--尼爾蓋曼

but i still like her

我問丹在德國念音樂的主修是什麼，他慢慢地說出：「大鍵琴」三個字，然後我很興奮地跟他說我最喜歡的tori有用大鍵琴做音樂（事實上我就是從tori知道大鍵琴），沒想到丹也知道tori，這是我所認識第一個知道tori的活生生的外國人耶。丹說他喜歡他早期的作品，我在旁邊非常開心地一直點頭表示認同，說以前的作品真的很棒，不過他也很直接地說:"I don't know what she's doing now"這樣簡潔誠實的感言，加上個很犀利的表情，我苦笑，回答他："I know what you mean. But I still like her."





*harpsichord 大鍵琴
我回家馬上查了單字，現在在聽仍然很棒的pele


**
I asked Dan what his major in music was. He answered "harpsichord", and I was so very excited to tell him that one of my favorite singer song writers Tori Amos used harpsichord in her music. To my surprise, he heard of Tori, and told me he liked her early stuff. I couldn't stop nodding my head and told him her early works were really good. And then, with a harsh look, he said "I don't know what she's doing now." I paused for a second and gave him a smile of understanding.

"I know what you mean. But I still like her," I said.

she came to my exhibition

聽著blonde redhead入睡
卻做了紅頭媽咪的夢
夢裡多莉來看我的展覽
水和獨角獸
他像是很喜歡
說要送我項鍊






i deamed of tori last night
she came to my exhibition
water and unicorn
she kind of liked it
and she said she wanted to give me a necklace

Tori's Ten Favorites Albums

Musikexpress/Sounds magazine (Germany)
April 1998
"Mein Plattenschrank" (My Record Closet)


Tori's ten favorites albums:

Led Zeppelin - Box Set
Marvin Gaye - Greatest Hits
David Bowie - Aladdin Sane
The Beatles - White Album
Janis Joplin - Pearl
Kate Bush - Hounds Of Love
The Cure - Mixed Up
Talk Talk - Spirit Of Eden
The Pretenders – Pretenders
Stevie Wonder - Inner Visions


About Hounds Of Love, Tori says: "I love the second side of this album. I was in Los Angeles when I heard this record for the first time. I was hanging out in the rock chick scene. Thigh-high boots, gigantic amounts of hairspray, and everything. I had encountered nothing but rejection for months, nobody liked my piano stuff. And I was in a band that did something completely different. Then I found this record, and put it on, listened to side one, liked it OK, listened to side two, listened to side two again, and again, and again and again (sings): "You can't hear me, you can't hear what I’m saying, you didn't hear me come in, you won't hear me leaving." This turned me inside out. It changed my life. I decided to leave the man with whom I shared an apartment; I left the man I was living with because of this record."

出自1998四月號德國雜誌Musikexpresss
多莉艾莫絲列出自己的十大最愛專輯

關於凱特布希的〈Hounds Of Love〉，多莉說到：「我喜歡這張 專輯的第二面。第一次聽這張唱片時我人在洛杉磯，那時我還扮 演著搖滾勁妞，穿著高跟長靴，頂著大量髮膠。我到處碰壁，沒 有人喜歡我的鋼琴，我在樂團裡做著完全不同的音樂。然後我發 現了這張唱片，我播放了唱片，聽了第一面，覺得還不錯，聽了 第二面，聽完後再聽了一次，然後再聽了一次，再一次再一次。 （多莉唱了起來：）『你聽不到我；你聽不到我所說的；你沒聽 見我進來了；你不會聽見我離開。』這音樂將我裡裡外外翻滾了 一遍；改變了我的人生。我決定離開當時和我同住公寓的男人； 因為這張唱片，我離開了我住在一起的男人。」

Dew Drop Inn Tourbook 1995

December 7, 1995, Dew Drop Inn Tourbook
written by neil gaiman


It began in darkness; the little girl hesitantly touching the piano-key. She made up a song to sing to the darkness. She sang about the big girls, the pretty ones. She sang all her fear of growing up, all her fear of what she knew she would never be.

When the song was done she lay down, beneath the piano, in the dark.

The piano sang her a lullaby. The black keys and the white keys began to grow, and twine, and blossom, and she was dreaming: and they came into the bare room, all the dream people, crowding and strutting and scuttling and dancing.

There was a woman with a rose in her dark hair, a rose the color of blood. She had a bruise on her check, and her eye make-up was smudged and streaked. She stared at the other people as if she was scared of them; as if any one of them might hurt her again.

There was a hairy-legged man with horns and a tail; he looked like a devil, but when the little girl asked he told her he had been around before ever the devils walked, and he smelled of rain and the forest. The Prophet, his beard dusty with the desert sand, fixed his lipstick, and whispered, "Hey, is that a thunderbolt in your toga, or are you just pleased to see me?" But nobody heard. Wild horses thundered past, their hooves drowning out the noise of the lost lovers, damaged children, wakened babies...

And by then the party was underway, and all the boys were partying, even the boy who were girls, and the World War One flier and the secret agent, all of them grabbing the party food and spilling their drinks and laughing nervously and too loudly. Each of the people had a shadow, and the little sleeping girl found herself staring not at the people but at their shadows, as they danced their flickering shadow party on the floor and on the walls and ceiling, as they caressed and fought and fucked and died in their silent shadow carnival.

A beautiful woman - much too beautiful ever to be a beauty queen, with a tongue split, like a snake's - was carrying a window underneath her arm. Through the window the little girl could see a mirror, and reflected in the mirror was the dark smoke from the mountain. The man with the black-and-white-striped eyes shivered, and began hunting for a door, but none of the guests had remembered to bring a door with them. The virgin began to cry, as her friends strapped her to a chair. They took her gun away from her before they threw the switch, dropped the pill into the water-glass, got her in their sights: four live bullets, one blank; that's the tradition. The American way.

The houngan was feeling up the junkie widow. "I shouldn't be here," she said. "I really shouldn't be here. Maybe I'm not." She pissed herself, then, a thin trickle of vivid yellow urine which ran over his hand and down her stained legs and collected in a pool at her feet.

The floor juddered and trembled. The moon shone through the window, past the volcano, through every mirror in the world.

One by one all the dream-people climbed into their shadows. One by one the shadows crawled beneath the piano, nestled under the little girl. The shadows slept inside her dream.

And when she woke, there was nothing there to show that anything had ever happened at all, only a distant star that twinkled in the window that someone had left propped up against the wall.

She played a song to the star on the piano, one note at a time, while the shadows billowed and swelled and filled the room with darkness, extinguishing the lamps, swallowing the candle-flames one by one, until there was nothing left at all.

Only the dark; and in the darkness, just a twinkle.
--

故事出自Dew Drop Inn Tourbook裡
版權由Neil Gaiman所有
以下是我playboymommy私人的翻譯


一切從黑暗開始。小女孩遲疑地觸碰鋼琴琴鍵，她編了一首歌唱給 這黑暗聽。她唱著關於漂亮大女孩的事，唱著她害怕長大，害怕著 她知道自己不會成為的事。

曲子結束的時候她躺了下來，躺在鋼琴下，躺在黑暗裡。

鋼琴唱了首搖籃曲給她。黑色的琴鍵和白色的琴鍵開始生長，盤繞，開花。她夢到：他們走進空無一人的房間，所有夢裡的人，推擠 ，昂首，疾行，舞動。

有個黑頭髮女人，頭上有朵玫瑰，玫瑰紅得像血。她的臉頰上有傷疤，眼畫得煙燻，她盯著其他人看，像是害怕他們，像是他們之中 有人會再傷害她。

有個腳毛濃密的男人，長著角，還有尾巴；他看起來像是魔鬼，但 是當小女孩問他時，他告訴她早在魔鬼以前他就在了。他有著雨水 和森林的氣味。先知，他的鬍子沾滿沙漠的沙；他塗抹好口紅，輕聲說：「嘿，你們托加衣上的是閃電嗎？還是你們只是想見我？」 但是沒有人聽見他的話。野馬轟隆而過，馬蹄聲淹沒了迷失的情人、毀壞的孩童、醒來的嬰兒的聲音。

然後派對開始，所有的男孩都參加，即使是女孩的男孩也參加，還 有一次大戰的裝訂員和情報員，所有的人抓著食物，飲酒濺得到處 ，緊張又大聲地大笑。每個人都有影子；小女孩發現自己盯著看的 並不是這些人，而是這些人的影子。當他們跳舞，他們搖曳的影子 在地板、在牆壁、在天花板狂歡，在他們自己無聲的影子嘉年華裡 愛撫，爭吵，做愛，死去。

有個美麗的女人，有著分岔的舌頭，像蛇的一樣；她的臂下抱著一 位寡婦。透過窗戶小女孩看得見一面鏡子，鏡子反射山林的黑煙。 有著黑白相間眼珠子的男人打了冷顫，急著要找門，但沒有賓客記 得帶扇門來。少女開始哭泣，她的朋友們把她綁在椅子上，丟掉棍 子前，把她的槍拿走，藥丸投進水杯，瞄準好：四顆實彈，一顆空 彈；這是傳統，美國人的方式。

男巫師正在撫摸那個有毒癮的寡婦。「我不該在這的。」她說。「我真的不該在這。或許我根本沒有在這裡。」她撤了尿，黃色的尿 液流過他的手，她髒污的腿，在她的腳邊聚集一池。

地面震動、搖晃。月光穿透窗子，越過火山，透過世界上的每個鏡子。

一個接著一個，所有的夢人爬進自己的影子；一個接著一個，所有的影子在鋼琴下爬行，偎依在小女孩下。影子在她的夢裡睡去。

當她醒來時，房間裡什麼都沒有，只有一顆遠方的星子映在窗上發亮。

她為這顆星演奏了一首歌，一個音符一個音符彈，影子波濤翻滾，鼓起，整個房間被黑暗佔據，熄滅了燈，吞噬了燭火，一個接著一 個，什麼都沒留下。

只剩下黑暗。而在這黑暗裡，有一點光，閃閃發亮。

Diva Magazine 2004

Diva Magazine
February 2004

以下是我playboymommy私人任性的翻譯
翻譯自2004年二月的Diva Magazine
以下只是訪談節錄
---------------

I ask Tori if her tunes feel very different now?
我問多莉她的歌曲是否有不同於以前的感受？

"I think Playboy Mommy feels very different," she says. "I wrote it when I was in deep sadness, but with Natashya in my life now, I'm in very a different space. When I heard it, what I heard was the amount of love that this woman singing had inside her. My mother told me years ago that you won't love until you become a mother; unselfish love."
「我想"Playboy Mommy" 有很不同的感受。我在極悲傷的狀態下 寫下"Playboy Mommy"， 但現在的我有了娜塔夏亞，處於不同的 時空，每當我聽到這首歌，我聽到的是這個女人唱出的愛；我的 母親曾告訴過我，當了母親之後你才會懂得愛，那是完全無私的 愛。」

And the other songs on the album?
那專輯裡的其他歌曲呢？

"Well, my relationship with all my songs is only my relationship with them. I've come to understand that they have relationships with people, that all my fans have different pictures that they attach to the songs, and that's completely valid. When I perform, I walk into the song like it's architecture, a sonic building, and I have to bring my recent experiences to it to be able to sing it truthfully. So I might be seeing different pictures than when I wrote it, but that's the only way I can do it.”
「我和這些歌曲的關係就只是我個人和他們的關係。我了解到他 們有他們自己和他人的關係；我的歌迷們都有他們自己和這些歌 曲的關係。當我表演時，我走進歌曲，就像是走入音樂的建築物 ，我必須帶著我當時的經驗體悟，如此才能真實地演唱，因此我 可能有了和當時寫下這些歌曲時不同的觀點體悟，但這就是我能 做的。」

---
"The songs come inside me, re-form in me, and I see and sing from their perspective. Is my perspective similar? Sometimes, Sometimes maybe I'm the character that's in shock by this song's character's　behaviour, but I'm there, singing from the other point of view."
「這些歌曲進到我的身體來，重新形塑，我從他們的觀點觀看他 們，演唱他們。那我的觀點是否和他們的觀點相似呢？有時候是 的，但也許有時候我會被歌曲自己的角色的行為嚇到，不過我還 是從他們的觀點演唱。」

---
Any Madonna and Britney-type collaborations planned?
有任何像瑪丹娜和小甜甜布蘭妮那樣合作的計劃嗎？（她們在 2003年MTV 音樂錄影帶頒獎典禮表演上女女親吻，而這個親吻 在2010年的一月剛被獲選十年來最佳接吻榜首。）

"I think - and I'll say this to the Diva readers - the one thing we need to understand is that if you're going to French kiss another woman, it doesn't mean you're going to be an ingenue at 40. If you're 20, it doesn't mean you're going to get wisdom. You're going to get some cute lipgloss on and a yummy feeling inside, but there's a bit of a devouring going on When someone French kisses another woman to try and get something, that isn't passion; it's very interesting to me, an intriguing study. If you're going to French kiss somebody, French kiss a woman that can say, 'Okay, honey; okay sister, come with me and I'll show you a tongue like you've never seen before'. If you're going to walk down that road, do it! A tongue does not touch the intelligence inside another person. you know, Madonna's sTayed around for 20 years, but Britney is not going to get that, and Madonna isn't going to become 20 years younger. I did not see 'I honour you' in that kiss. But that's me; that's what I saw."
「我想要告訴帝娃讀者的是，我們需要了解，如果你要和女人來 個法式熱吻，你不必須是個四十歲女人。如果你才二十歲，也不 表示你就會從這個親吻得到什麼智慧；你得到的只是一些唇膏， 還有可口的嗞味，但是兩個女人親吻試著得到的，應該是更全然 的情感，而不是單純的激情。這對我來說很有趣，是很吸引人的 課題。如果你要和別人來個熱吻，找個會說：『親愛的，沒問題 ，來吧，我會讓你瞧瞧你沒看過的唇舌。』的女人。如果你真想 像瑪丹娜和布蘭妮那麼做，就去做吧！唇舌是觸碰不到人內在的 才智的。瑪丹娜已經在歌壇二十年了，那是布蘭妮做不到的，瑪 丹娜也不會再年輕個二十歲，在那個吻裡，我看不到『我崇拜你 』的意涵在。但這只是個我個人想法，我個人看到的。」

Scarlet's Walk Tourbook 2002

Diary text from Scarlet's Walk 2002 Tourbook Copyright September 2002 by Neil Gaiman.
日記內容出自Scarlet's Walk 2002 Tourbook
版權由尼爾蓋曼(Neil Gaiman)所有



以下是我playboymommy私人任性的翻譯


---
Pages from a Journal found in a shoebox left in a Grayhound Bus somewhere between Tulsa, Oklahoma and Louisville, Kentucky.

日誌在行駛於奧克拉荷馬土耳沙還有肯塔基路易斯維爾之間的灰狗巴士 上，遺留的鞋盒裡找到。



---

Monday 28th

I guess I've been following Scarlet for a long time now. Yesterday I was in Las Vegas. Walking across the parking lot of a casino, I found a postcard. There was a word written on it in crimson lipstick. One word: REMEMBER.

On the other side of the postcard was a highway in Montana.

I don't remember what it is I'm meant to remember. I'm on the road now, driving north.

二十八日，星期一

我已經追尋史卡莉特一陣子了。昨天我人在拉斯維加斯，經過賭場的停車 場時，我發現一張明信片，上頭用深紅色的口紅寫著一個字：記得 (REMEMBER)。

明信片的另一面是蒙大納的公路。

我不記得我應該記得什麼。我現在上路了，往北方走。

---
Tuesday 29th

I'm in Montana, or maybe Nebraska. I'm writing this in a motel. There's a wind gusting outside my room, and I drink black motel coffee, just like I'll drink it tomorrow and the night after that. In a small town diner today I heard someone say her name. "Scarlet's on the road," said the man. He was a traffic cop, and he changed the subject when I got close and listened.

He was talking about a head-on collision. The broken glass glittered on the road like diamonds. He called me "Ma'am," politely.

二十九日，星期二

我人在蒙大納，或者是內布拉斯加。我在汽車旅館裡寫這篇日誌。房間外 一陣風呼嘯而過，我喝著旅館的黑咖啡。今天在鎮上的小餐館我聽到有人 提到史卡莉特。「她在路上。」那個男人說。他是個交通警察。正當我湊 過身要聽仔細時，他改變了話題。

他講到一起正面相撞的車禍，破碎的玻璃散在路上閃閃發亮像鑽石一般。 他很有禮貌地稱我「女士」。

---
Wednesday 30th

"It's not the work that gets to you so bad," said the woman. "It's the way that people stare." She was shivering. It was a cold night and she wasn't dressed for it.

"I'm looking for Scarlet," I told her.

She squeezed my hand with hers, then she touched my cheek, so gently. "Keep looking, hon," she said. "You'll find her when you're ready." Then she sashayed on down the street.

I wasn't in a small town any longer. Maybe I was in Saint Louis. How can you tell if you're in Saint Louis? I looked for some kind of arch. Something linking East and West, but if it was there I missed it.

Later, I crossed a river.

三十日，星期三

「糟糕的不是工作，」那個女人說。「而是人們盯著你看的那副 模樣。」她顫抖著。那是個寒於的夜晚，她穿得不夠多。

「我在找史卡莉特。」我告訴她。

她緊握著我的手，摸了我的臉頰，很溫柔。「親愛的，繼續找下去。」 她說。「當你凖備好的時候，你就會找到她。」然後她走入街道。

我今天不在小城鎮，也許我是在聖路易斯。但是要怎麼知道是不是在聖 路易斯？我尋找著連接東部和西部的拱門，但如果有的話，我也錯過了。

之後，我渡過一條河。

---
Thursday 31st

There were blueberries growing wild by the side of the road. A red thread was caught in the bushes. I'm scared that I'm looking for something that does not exist anymore. Maybe it never did.

I spoke to a woman I used to love today, in a cafe in the desert. She's a waitress there, a long time ago.

"I thought I was your destination," she told me. "Looks like I was just another stop on the line."

I couldn't say anything to make it better. She couldn't hear me. I should have asked if she knew where Scarlet was.

三十日，星期四

路旁開滿了藍莓，樹叢裡發現了紅色的絲線。我害怕我在找已不存在的東 西，又或者它從來不曾存在過。

今天在沙漠的餐館，我和一個我過去愛過的女人說話。很久之前，她是那 裡的服務生。

「我以為我是你的目的地。」她告訴我說。「看來我只是個停靠站。」

我說不出什麼話來讓場面好點。我真該問她是否知道史卡莉特在哪的。

---
Friday 32nd

I DREAMED of Scarlet last night. She was huge and wild, and she was hunting for me. In my dream, I knew what she looked like. When I woke I was in a pick-up truck, parked by the side of the road. There was a man shining a flashlight in the window at me. He called me Sir and asked me for I.D.

I told him who I thought I was and who I was looking for. He just laughed, and walked away, shaking his head. He was humming a song I didn't know. I drove the pickup south, into the morning. Sometimes I fear this is becoming an obsession. She's walking. I'm driving. Why is she always so far ahead of me?

三十二日，星期五

我昨晚夢到史卡莉特。她高大狂野，正在捕獵我。在夢裡，我清楚她的樣 貌。當我醒來時，我人在一輛皮卡車上，車子停在路邊。有個人拿著手電 筒朝向窗子照著我，他叫了我聲先生，然後要求我出示身份。

我告訴他我是誰，還有我在找誰。他笑了笑，走掉了，一邊搖頭，哼著我 不知道的曲子。我開著皮卡，向南行，一路開到白天。有時候我害怕我追 尋史卡莉特變得走火入魔了。她用走的，我開著車，為什麼她還總是遠遠 在我前頭？

---
Saturday 1st

I found a shoebox that I keep things in. In a Jacksonville McDonald's late a quarter pounder with cheese and a chocolate milkshake, and I spread everything I keep in the shoebox out on the table in front of me: the red thread from the blueberry bush; the postcard; a Polaroid photograph I found on some fennel-blown wasteland beside Sunset Boulevard it shoes two girls whispering secretly, their faces blurred; an audio cassette; some golden glitter in a tiny bottle I was given in Washington D.C.; pages I've torn from books and magazines. A casino chip. This journal.

"When you die," says a dark-haired woman at the next table, "they can make you into diamonds now. It's scientific. That's how I want to be remembered. I want to shine."

一日，星期六

我找到個可以放東西的鞋盒。在杰克遜維爾的麥當勞吃大芝士漢堡和巧克 力奶昔，我把鞋盒裡的東西全倒在桌上：藍莓樹叢的紅絲線、明信片、日 落大道旁荒地發現的拍立得相片，上頭兩個女孩交頭耳語，臉龐模糊不清 、一捲卡式錄音帶、閃著金色光彩的小瓶子，那是我在華盛頓特區得到的 、從書本還有雜誌上撕下來的書頁。還有個賭場的籌碼，及這本日誌。

「當你死了。」坐在隔壁桌的深色頭髮女人說。「他們可以把你製成鑽石 。我想這樣被記著，閃閃發亮。」

---
Sunday 2nd
The paths that ghosts follow are written on the land in old words. Ghosts don't take the interstate. They walk. Is that what I'm following, here? Sometimes it seems like I'm looking out through her eyes. Sometimes it feels like she's looking out through mine.

I'm in Wilmington, North Carolina. I write this on an empty beach, while the sunlight glitters on the sea, and I feel so alone.

We make it up as we go along. Don't we?

二日，星期天

鬼魂走在以古語寫成的陸地小徑，不走州際公路。他們行走。那就是我在 追尋的嗎？有時候像是我透過她的眼睛在觀看；有時候又覺得是她透過我 的眼睛在觀看。

我人在威明頓，北卡羅來納。我在空無一人的海灘寫這篇日誌，陽光照著 海水發亮，我感到如此孤獨。

我們前行，捏造一切，不是嗎？

---
Monday 3rd

I was in Baltimore, standing on a sidewalk in the light fall rain, wondering where I was going. I think I saw Scarlet in a car, coming toward me. She was a passenger. I could not see her face, but her hair was red. The woman who drove the car, an elderly pick-up truck, was fat and happy, and her hair was long and black. Her skin was dark.

I slept that night in the house of a man I did not know. When I woke, he said, "She's in Boston."

"Who?"

"The one you're looking for."

I asked how he knew, but he wouldn't talk to me. After a while he asked me to leave, and, soon enough, I did. I want to go home. If I knew where it was, I would. Instead I hit the road.

三日，星期一

我人在巴的摩爾，站在下著秋天小雨的人行道上，想著我要到哪裡？我想 我看見了史卡莉特，坐在車裡，向我駛來。她是個乘客，我看不見她的臉 ，但她的頭髮是紅色的。開著老皮卡的女人胖胖的，蠻開心的，她的頭髮 長，黑色，皮膚黑。

我在陌生男子的屋子裡渡過一晚。當我醒來時，他說：「她在波士頓。」

「誰？」

「你在找的人。」

我問他怎麼知道的，他不告訴我。一會兒後，他要我離開，很快，我就 離開了。我想要回家。如果我知道家在哪裡的話，我就會回家了。於是我 又上路了。

---
Tuesday 4th

Passing Newark at midday, I could see the tip of New York, already smudged dark by dust in the air, now scumbled into night by a thunderstorm. It could have been the end of the world.

I think the world will end in black and white, like an old movie. (Hair as black as coal, sugar, skin as white as snow.) Maybe as long as we have colours we can keep going. (Lips as red as blood, I keep reminding myself.)

I made Boston in the early evening. I find myself looking for her in mirrors and reflections. Some days I remember when the white people came to this land, and when the black people stumbled ashore in chains. I remember when the red people walked to this land, when the land was younger.

I remember when the land was alone.

"How can you sell your mother. That was what the first people said, when asked to sell the land they walked upon."

四日，星期二

中午的時候經過紐華克，我看得到紐約，滿天塵土燻得污黑，雷雨開始， 天黑得像夜，像世界末日。

我想世界結束時將會是黑與白，像是老電影一樣。（頭髮黑得像煤炭，皮 膚白得像雪。）有許只要還有顏色，世界就還不會結束。（嘴唇紅得像血 ，我不斷提醒自己。）

傍晚時我到達波士頓。我在鏡子和反射裡找尋她。我記得白人來到這土地 ；黑人蹣跚而行，帶著鍊銬；印地安人也在這，更早之前。

我還記得誰都還沒來到這塊土地時。

「你怎麼可以賣掉你的母親。」當被要求賣掉腳下這塊土地時，他們這樣 回答。

---
Tuesday 5th

She spoke to me last night. I'm certain it was her. passed a payphone on the street in Metairie, LA. It rang, I picked up the headset.

"Are you okay?" said a voice.

"Who is this?" I asked. "Maybe you have the wrong number."

"Maybe I do," she said. "But are you okay?"

"I don't know," I said.

"Know that you are loved," she said. And I knew that it had to be her. I wanted to tell her that I loved her too, but by then she'd already put down the phone. If it was her. She was only there for a moment. Maybe it was a wrong number, but I don't think so.

I'm so close now. I buy a postcard from a homeless guy on the sidewalk with a blanket of stuff, and I write REMEMBER on it, in lipstick, so now I won't ever forget, but the wind comes up and carries it away, and just for now I guess I'm going to keep on walking.

五日，星期二

我昨晚和她說話。我很確定那是她。經過洛杉磯梅特略街上的付費電話時， 電話響了，我拿起話筒。

「你還好嗎？」聲音這麼說。

「你是誰？」我問。「也許你打錯了。」

「也許。」她說。「但你還好嗎？」

「我不知道。」我說

「你要知道你是被愛著的。」她說。我知道那是她。我想要告訴她我也愛 她，但是她已經掛上電話了。如果那真是她。她只在那停留了一會兒。也 許是打錯了，但是我不這麼想。

現在我和她是如此接近。我向行人道上的流浪漢買了張明信片，用口紅寫 上「記得」(REMEMBER)，這樣一來我就不會忘記，但風吹來把明信片吹走 了，我想我將繼續往前走了。
---

i don't like mondays

tell me why
i don't like mondays
tell my why
i don't like mondays
i don't like
i dont like mondays
i wanna shoot the whole day down

- I Don't Like Mondays -



在看紅頭媽咪的影片
聽到i don't like mondays這首歌
想起一點故事

大學劇本課的期末作業要寫一個劇本
那時在聽strange little girls
於是我很得意地用了Boomtown Rats的歌曲名I don't Like Mondays做為劇本名字
講一個one father, one mother and one little girl在星期一發生的故事
（而我原本是想寫"Mama, it wan't my bullet"這樣名字的劇本）
更得意的是
我私心地用了紅頭女人小女孩版本的I don't Like Mondays
在第九景的最末
以心靈角落的方式出現

還記得發表劇本的那天
我一說完劇本名稱
班上同學同一時間轉過頭來
看著坐在教室最末的我

在那個當下
我其實心裡很希望他們能了解我劇名的弦外之音

一切都得說那個學期的我極厭惡星期一
討厭的原因就是星期一這討人厭的劇本課和劇本課老師
我總是在星期一的早晨搭車上學
心不甘情不願地上著課
數著還有多久下課

於是在大家的面前講出i don't like mondays時
我以為有一股莫名的愉快及得意

我記得劇本課老師還問我確定要用這劇名嗎
我點了點頭
回他一個淺淺的微笑

而我一點都不在乎他會給我什麼樣的分數會不會當了我




然後這件事就這樣被我視為學生生涯裡最值得驕傲的事
i don' like mondays

sweet-pea

Truly, I was a sweetheart when I was little,
like the Honeysuckle Fairy.But sweet-pea
becomes Nerd really fast.

-Tori Amos -

find the way

從流血的瑪麗到乞求賈姬力量逃婚的新娘，彷彿意有所指些什麼的。而我 似乎也是跟隨著竊取了接受了這些女人們的某些力量，化為我的，或是只 是找回我的力量，在這段只能獨自舔舐傷口卻無法向任何人訴說傷痛的過 去的最終，一點一點回來的力量。

已經開始走向新的道路了，我想可以這麼說。特別是過年以來今年的假期， 已經是另一段新的關係了（也或者時間只是回到四年前那還沒有井沒有黑 暗的時候接續下去的嗎）。一切似乎是那麼的自然，大家彷彿都忘了之前 那段不愉快的過去般。在那天發現我似乎已經是在另一條道路的時候，我 是高興得感動得淚流著的。

親愛的島本，你是對的，回不去終究是回不去的，即使我們在後悔之後曾 經試圖要往回走離開那個我們不應該來的地方，終究是回不去的。但或許 我們是可以選擇另一條道路的；或許我們是可以選擇另一條道路再次走向 接近我們原本的道路的，幾乎是。而我卻花了將近四年的時間才發現這個 或許，這個可能。

只要血流過了，只要我們找回力量。

只是如果沒有遇見紅頭女人的話，我真的有辦法走向這條想望的道路嗎？ 我沒有自信確定我能，或許該說其實我是自信我不能的。但是我真的就是 遇見紅頭女人了，真的遇見了她。

只是我想我不可能忘記這一路的所有一切，旅程中接受的苦痛掙扎寫入身 體的是事實，就如同島本一再告訴的道理是回不去的。回不去那個潔淨的 身體的，斑斑血跡和結了疤的還未結疤的所有已是有跡可尋的抹滅不了的 body map的一部分。Crucify, Cornflake Girl, Silent All These Years, Winter, Bliss, Jackie's Strength 是集體女人的還是個體女人的？我 似乎有或無的分享了這些女人的某部分記憶和經驗。hurt hurts是紅頭女 人告訴我的，但她也告訴我必須接受傷痛接受醜陋，然後自己找回自己的 力量的。這不是島本能告訴我的，所以我終究只能從島本自溺，而從紅頭 女人領悟。

似乎已經走過去了的我這麼認為。

'97 Bonnie & Clyde

二千零一年Tori離開舊東家前最後發行了翻唱專輯"Strange Little Girls"，Tori的理念策略是「將男性寫的歌以女性的聲音重新發聲」，由 唱片內頁十二個不同造型的女性代表十二個女聲角色，取代原本男性的聲 音，重新唱出說出女性的聲音。

引發最大討論的翻唱，恐怕就是當今饒舌音樂另一具爭議性 但也具指標性男性歌手講述殺妻棄屍故事的歌曲了。但是我始終想不清楚 經過紅頭女人重新翻唱，引起嘩然的"97 Bonnie and Clyde"的主敘者 站立的位置與發出的聲音、講述的故事之間關係究竟是如何？如果發聲的 主敘者是即將被丟入冰冷海水的母親的亡魂，為何發出的聲音如此冷冽詭 異？而且與Eminem化身父親男聲講述的故事竟然一個字都沒有變？

但是發聲的聲音不同不就已經代表主敘者已經變了嗎？當我第一次聽到這 亡魂的詭異女聲實在覺得毛骨悚然，那時我不就很清楚這個女生女聲跟 原作的男生男聲是完全不同的兩個人嗎？但是我的問題就是沒法化解敘 述者的聲音與敘述的故事之間的矛盾啊，怎麼會這樣？述說者是以as a mother的身份，站在什麼地方講述的？如果說就是以as a mother 的地方 、位置講述的啊，然而和敘述的故事不是還是有所衝突嗎？我還是沒法解 決這個部分唉。

Tori接受訪問講到："The view changes depending on where you're standing. I had the opportunity to flip the script." 我或許還沒 有辦法確定我聆聽這首歌曲故事的位置，但要是沒有已死母親借（紅頭 女人的）屍還魂的話，我不會注意到這則故事裡那位差點就被大家遺忘的 母親還有她可能的聲音。


97 BONNIE AND CLYDE
originally performed by Eminem
covered by Tori Amos

baby, your da-da loves you
and i'm always gonna be here for you
no matter what happened
you're all i got in this world
i'd never give you up for nothing
nobody in this world is ever gonna keep you from me
i love you

come on, hey hey, we going to the beach
grab a couple of toys, and let da-da strap you in the car seat
where's mama? she's taking a little nap in the trunk
oh that smell; da-da musta runned over a skunk
now i know what you're thinking; it's kinda late to go swimming
but you know you're mama
she's one of those type of women, that do crazy things
and if she don't get her way, she'll throw a fit
don't play wit da-da's toy knife honey, let go of it
now don't look so upset, why you acting bashful
don't you wanna help da-da build a sand castle
and mama said she wants to show you how far she can float
don't worry about that little boo-boo on her throat
it's just a little scratch, it don't hurt
her was eating dinner while you were sweeping
spilt ketchup on her shirt
mama's messy isn't she
we'll let her wash off in the water
and me and you can pway by ourselves, can't we

just the two of us, just the two of us
just the two of us
just the two of us

see honey, there';s a place called heaven and a place called hell
there's a placed called prison and a place called jail
and da-da's probably on his way to all of 'em, except one
cause mama's got a new husband, and a stepson
and you don't want a brother do ya
maybe when you're old enough to understand a little better
i'll explain it to you
but for now, we'll just say mama was real real bad
she was being mean to dad, and made him real real mad
but i still feel sad that i put her on timeout
sit back in your chair, honey, quit trying to climb out
i told you it's ok, hey hey, you wanna bah-bah
take a night-night
na-na-goo-goo gah-gah
or make coo-coo-cocka
da'll change your di-ey
clean the baby up so i can take a nighty-nighty
your da&'ll wake her up as soon as we get to the water
97' bonnie & clyde, me and my daughter
me and my daughter

me and my daughter

just the two of us, just the two of us
just the two of us
just the two of us

wake up sweepy head, we're here
before we pway
we gonna take mommy for a wittle walk out on the pier
baby don't cry honey, don't get the wrong idea
mama's too sweepy to hear you screaming in her ear
that's why you can't get her to wake
but don't worry
da-da made a nice bed for mommy at the bottom of the lake
here, you wanna help da-da tie a rope around this rock
we'll tie it to her footsy, then we'll roll her off the dock
ready now, here we go, on the count of phree
1, 2, phree, weeeeeeee
there goes mama, spwashing in the water
no more fighting wit dad
no more restraining order
no more step da-da
no more brother
blow her kisses buh-bye
tell mommy you love her
now we'll go play in the sand, build a sand castle and junk
but first, just help dad with two more things out of the trunk

just. the. two. of. us...

her voice helps me find my own voice

我說過了，讓我支離破碎的並不是那年奪走小島許多人生命的大地震，真正 讓我支離破碎的是十八歲那年夏天的小地震，一場徹底毀壞我堅持了十幾年 過往的小地震。那時體內某樣東西啪地一聲斷掉十八歲的我，得了病似地如 西伯利亞的農夫往太陽的西邊固執跑去。當我發現那裡或許不是我應該前往 的地方的時候，一切已經太遲了。島本說得很對，回不去就是回不去。決定 性關鍵點已經過了，路已經不見了，我己經回不去了。所以我失去說話的聲 音、失去移動的力量，一個人躲在幽深黑暗的井裡，打算就這樣直到我筋疲 力盡，然後死去。不過一切有了變化，直到我聽見一個紅髮女人的聲音。

其實我最先聽到的是一個穿著雪白洋裝冷靜凝視我的女子的聲音。可是那時 候的我根本就還躲在黑暗的井裡啊，我沒有辦法聽得進那個已經站在寬廣空 間、可以對凝視她的對象冷靜凝視回去女人的聲音。

可是第二次聽到這個紅髮女人的時候，就是另外一個故事了。這回這個半蹲 在方形木框裡的女人的力量實在太可怕了，這個女人的聲音毫不留情地從井 的外頭朝我身上衝擊，一次又一次，以越來越強大的力量朝我衝擊。原來， 這個故事終究還是一個關於地震的故事。

一開始就是非常震撼人的。"every finger in the room is pointing at me, I wanna spit in their faces..." 低沈憤怒的女聲就這樣在鋼琴樂音包裹 裡，開始在我的身體、腦子劇烈翻滾地來，一發不可收拾。

那時候的我剛剛搬出來一個人住，我總是蜷靠在牆邊，或是躺在床上，一遍 又一遍地聽這個女人打開封閉的聲音。驚訝於精采的鋼琴運用和聲音轉換之 餘，其實一開始我是想跟這女人保持距離的，其實在驚嘆之餘，我是害怕她 的。我不懂為什麼她會寫出這樣的歌詞來，我不懂為什麼她敢把這樣的東西 唱出來，我不懂為什麼她發出的聲音是這樣的聲音。我都是皺著眉頭聽她的 聲音的。我最害怕的就是precious things 了，每次聽得怕的都快哭了，為 什麼她要這麼強烈的字眼啊smash the faces，當節奏減緩唱到i remember yes in my peach party drss... 那一小節開始我就越來越不安了一直到 with their NIN-INCH nails...鋼琴急遽激烈我皺著眉頭心都揪起來了這個 女人好駭人啊這樣的聲音。

然後在驚嘆她的聲音之外，我慢慢了解為什麼我在某程度上會害怕她的聲音 ，而且我慢慢試圖釐清我身體內逐漸湧現的另一種情感是什麼。我從來不知 道我可以從某個女人的私密日記聲音裡找到讀到這樣貼近我身體內某部分 的聲音；我從來不知道能有一個女人能有這樣勇氣如此誠實面對自己、表達 自己。我想我慢慢知道我欠缺的東西是什麼，我慢慢知道這個女人帶給我的 是什麼。

於是在她的音樂裡，我回頭觀看我那等同是沈默無聲的十幾年的過去，我終 於知道為什麼之前我會有這樣悲劇性的毀壞，因為我一直在替別人發聲啊， 因為過去我的聲音，很多的時候，都不是我的聲音啊。於是在她的聲音裡， 我得到力量，我不再否定那我曾經想要否定想要掩飾的那部分，我不再選擇 逃避不再選擇否定。我開始慢慢接受我曾經想遮掩的那部分；我開始學會勇 敢面對鏡子，觀看我的醜陋我的不完全。

她的聲音讓我找到了我的聲音。從那時候開始，我告訴自己我要用自己真正 的聲音的發聲，我告訴自己不用害怕，就算其他人都不肯傾聽我真正的聲音 ，這個紅髮的女人會懂我、會支持我的，我知道這個紅髮女人會願意傾聽我 真正的聲音的。

於是我慢慢撿拾我支離破碎的身體，一塊一塊慢慢地拼湊回去。幾乎是以另 一個生命重新我的人生的。於是當環顧四周時，我突然驚覺困住我的井已經 不在了，井已經被小地震、被紅髮女人的聲音震垮了。

毀滅的力量往往也是重生的力量，這個紅髮女人的小地震成了我生命裡一場 非常重要的小地震。她的聲音帶領我找到我的聲音。謝謝妳，親愛的紅髮女 人。


Dec. 5, 2003 凌晨

Mary

感到意外的是〈Mary〉最早是收在〈Crucify〉 英版單曲
該是小地震時期的作品，怎麼聽來非常《Scarlet's Walk》的風格
或許是編曲上有所改變吧
因為歌詞看來還真很小地震時期那種血淋淋暴露的痛
瞧瞧這種直接的對話和剖析：
oh mary, can you hear me?
mary, you're bleeding
mary, don't be afraid
we're just waking up
and i hear help is on the way
這已不是一個四十歲有個好老公和寶貝女兒的女人唱故事的方式了

聽著聽著很自然地把〈Mary〉跟〈Little Earthquake〉做銜接
那種強迫面對很殘酷很直接的刺痛

瑪麗啊，真的不用害怕啦
大家不都是踩著斑斑血跡幾乎快流光全身鮮血走過來的
就讓它流吧，流光烏黑惡臭的那部分
我們都將以自身鮮血洗淨灰暗的過去
和我們自己

然後妳會知曉
讓我們流血的不是我們
真正醜陋的也不見得是我們自己

痛是一定會痛的
可是只有痛過了
才會知道痛過之後是什麼樣的感受

瑪麗加油








**********************************
Ｍary
written by Tori Amos


everybody wants something from you,
everybody want a piece of mary
lush valley all dressed in green
just ripe for the picking

god i want to get you out of here
you can ride in a pink mustang
when i think of what we've done to you
oh, mary, can you hear me?

growing up isn't always fun
they tore your dress and stole your ribbons
they see you cry, they lick their lips
but butterflies don't belong in nets

oh mary, can you hear me?
mary, you're bleeding
mary, don't be afraid
we're just waking up
and i hear help is on the way

mary, can you hear me?
mary, like jimi said
mary, don't be afraid
'cause even the wind...
even the wind cries your name

everybody wants you, sweetheart
everybody got a dream of glory
las vegas got a pin-up girl
they got her armed as they buy and sell her

rivers of milk are running dry
can't you hear the dolphins crying
what'll we do when our babies scream
fill their mouths with some acid rain

oh mary, can you hear me?
mary, you're bleeding
mary, don't be afraid
we're just waking up
and i hear help is on the way

mary, can you hear me?
mary, like jimi said
mary, don't be afraid
'cause even the wind...
even the wind cries your name

na nay nay nay nay, na na na nay nay
na nay nay nay nay, na na na nay nay, ooh ooh
na nay nay nay nay, na na na nay

oh butterflies don't belong in nets

oh mary, can you hear me?
mary, you're bleeding
mary, don't be afraid
we're just waking up
and i hear help is on the way

mary, can you hear me?
mary, like jimi said
mary, don't be afraid
'cause even the wind...
even the wind cries your name
'cause even the wind cries your name
'cause even the wind cries your name
cries your name...
cries your name...
cries your name...

siren

Siren 對我而言，己經不是單純一首歌曲而已了。
它是我和Tori共同擁有的一個美好的祕密，
它在那個不期然相遇的夢境裡，Tori 帶給我的一個美妙的記憶。

那一抹神祕的微笑會永遠印在我的腦海裡，連同妳那如女妖般誘惑人心的歌聲。

女妖沒有帶我航向死亡，她帶領我航向一國度，一個天堂和地獄共存的地方。

妳的手好溫暖。
緊緊地握著我的手的妳的手好溫暖。

"and you know you're gonna lie to you in your own way "
這是她想要傳達給我的訊息嗎？
她好殘忍。

我好高興可以緊緊地握著妳的手。
可是我不知道為何我害羞得不敢抬頭看妳，我不知道為何我一句話都沒有跟妳說。

我試圖釐清在驚訝於她的誠實以外，我內心逐漸湧現的情感究竟是什麼。

我在人群裡看到妳回頭對我微笑，
我聽到Siren 的琴聲縈繞在耳邊，
我握著妳的手感受那雙飛舞於琴鍵的手的觸感。

我慢慢地釋放原本連自己都不願自己知曉的那一部分。我慢慢地學會誠實。

終究從夢境裡醒來了，那是一個真實感非常的夢與記憶。
記憶會變得模糊，但是我知道 Tori同siren 的歌聲會一直陪伴著我航向前方，航向前方。


Sep 4, 2003 afternoon